I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, my hands are weak, my thoughts, weaker. I’ve always written about emotions, but this time it’s different, this time the emotion is so strong, I begin to shake when I try to write. It’s funny, the very thing that fueled my writing, is now destroying it. Ask anyone that writes, it makes them who they are.
But do all things we love turn their backs on us this way? I wonder if my parents will let me down. That’s also love, right? What must those children feel like, the ones whose parents aren’t supportive, I believe the world will come to an end the day mothers will stop loving. Shakespeare said something about it in Julius Ceaser. He said you’ll know the sky is falling when you see a mother smile at her dead infant. Did Shakespeare ever have a writer’s block? I wonder if he had days he tried to write but just started to shake. I like to believe his characters are inspired by people he knew in his own life. That belief, Brings his characters to life. It’s almost as if he writes these plays to control what they do because he can’t control that in the real world. Is that what writing Is for great scholars? A sense of control? How did Shakespeare stop shaking?
I read an article about how the residue of weed was found in the piping of his house, another of my favorite poets uses pills to write, is intoxication the answer? But what’s the point of writing, if you have to numb your senses to do it, Should I use my sense of touch, feel, see and hear to improve my ability or forget those senses to search for something inside?
I remember being intoxicated once, I felt light, I imagined that numbness to be a place and saw the faces of all my idols welcoming me into this numbness, I had a smile on my face but then couldn’t write. Does this mean that writing isn’t for me? Is writing something one is born with or does the talent come to you? Can it be learnt?
The first time I wrote was when I fought with my best friend in tenth grade. I was searching for answers. I was trying to make sense of this feeling of being so upset and so angry at the same time. I’m still trying to make sense of it. I often wonder what incident made Cohen start writing for the first time? How did Cohen stop shaking?
Does everyone write to deal with pain? Are their words a way of acknowledging the pain? When a writer stops writing has he run out of pain or is his soul so damaged it refuses to express itself? What about comics then? Sometimes I wonder do comics write jokes out of pain. Na, that’s the most ridiculous theory ever.
Speaking of ridiculous theories, I need to call me friend and convince her that the guy she likes is not gay, I mean, sure he likes to dress a lot and has a song in his voice, but does that make him gay? Maybe I should write an article about gender roles, No, I write about that too much. Does writing have a saturation point? Seems like it. People throw tags around, ‘Feminist’ ‘Depressive’ Am I these things? I don’t believe so. But then again, is my writing speaking for me? How much am I attaching myself or detaching myself from my writing? What is the appropriate amount?
Did Poe just shut everyone out and keep writing? How did it do it, when he wrote for a lost lover, a dead one. Did they declare him ‘depressed’?
Should I write about love again? This guy once sent me poem he wrote for his girlfriend, I tried changing it a little here and there but did not have the heart to tell him how bad it was. (is there such a thing as a bad love poem?) He gave it to her, she apparently loved it. If he can write about love over and over. Why aren’t you anymore? Poe’s poetry has become timeless, How did Poe stop shaking?
Many people come and tell me they write as well but don’t have the confidence to let the world see it. Why does writing make us all so venerable? Why do these people come to me, are they some sort of reflection I refuse to see? Stop. Stop this self-critical thought right here, that road is torn and tattered. Every possible topic – body image, self-confidence, intelligence- I’ve written about it. Find something new. The poets. They found the right words, it should be that simple.
Wordsworth saw a view that was so beautiful, it made him shake. It made him feel so much that he physically couldn’t handle it. He got home, sat down and began to recreate that image, He gave the world ‘Daffodils.’ I want to know about that moment just before he began to write. How did Wordsworth stop shaking?
Off late I’ve tried my hand on fiction, write a story about a young girl that finds herself in a funny situation with a man she’s being pushed into marrying. Do I like it? No. will people get it to read it? Probably not. Does that mean I will write this way forever? This zone I want to stay within yet jump out of. I’ve reached a point where approaching the zone seems difficult but doing something out of it, impossible.
I suddenly snap out of my thoughts and the only realization that came to me is cricket’s make a loud sound for their size. I sat down to write at 9 pm, it’s 1 am now and all I can do is stare at the blank page in front of me. This is the third time this week.
“I’m not able to write” I tell the walls.
“Write about not being able to write” they say back.
I wipe my tears. I try to stop shaking.